Forgiveness

I'm not good with forgiveness. Or rather, maybe I'm too good at it ... All my life, I've been blessed to be close with family and friends who overlook my flaws, and stand by me no matter what I do :)



So when it comes to forgiveness ... I have a bad habit of assuming that everything I do will go forgiven; every harm I could pull off will go forgotten. I completely overlooked the fact that sometimes I could really hurt someone ... and when that happens, that person has the right to not forgive me. That person could choose - rightfully so - to let me go.



... that's why I've been so down in the dumps for the past couple of days. I thought that someone had already given up on me and let me go. And I guess I knew that I deserved it ...



However, I can't be completely certain that it isn't out of the mere goodness of his heart or because he feels guilty and whatnot ...
but I think that this person is giving me a second chance. :)



I don't know what's going to happen to us - will we be the friends that we were again?
Would we end up fighting again, and end up really walking away from each other for good?
Will we find a happy ending (or some semblance of it) with each other?


I'm not sure ...
but I'm glad that he's giving us a chance to find out. =)

I needed you to believe in me

Some time ago, there was this scene that I watched from a korean drama, First Shop of Coffee Prince ...
(yes, I watch K-dramas, shut up)


and upon watching it, tears just formed in my eyes out of nowhere. It wasn't a particularly emotional scene, and there were no deaths, or melodramatic goodbyes and whatnot ... but it struck a chord in me - I could barely contain myself.



In this scene, this man, upon finding out that the girl he loves has been lying to him, uttered words to the girl that really touched me; his hand on his chest, a hint of tears in his eyes ...


Today, more than ever, I recall that scene with a certain sense of wistfulness ... and I want to say what that actor said to that korean actress in that scene, to a certain someone. In my own words.


to whom it may concern:
I screw up a lot and maybe a lot of people think that I'm a loser. I'm not trustworthy. I'm a nobody. They may think such things of me ... and even if they may be true, I want someone who will stand by me. Someone who will go "hey ... Eliza isn't fucked up. She's just a bit lost, confused, and she just needs a bit of time." to the world who does not believe in me.

I need someone who will see me for who I really am ... and will love me not despite my flaws, but in spite of them. I want to love someone who will always see the good in me and tell me 'yes, you need to improve and change ... but I love you anyway'. I need someone who will hold my hand through the bad times and kiss me through the good times.

I don't know if I could have been that person for you.
I don't know if you could have been that person for me.


I just wish that 'goodbye's don't come so easily.

I should have said this a long time ago

His name blinked on my screen, as my phone vibrated, emitting the odd fart-like sound that it usually does ...
and for a moment, I just stared at my phone in disbelief.


"Heyyyy you!", I squeaked, when I finally answered his call.
He still sounded the same. :)


Upon chatting a bit, he told me that he's in Penang ... which led me to wonder, why is everyone in Penang?? My friend who's visiting from Aust is in Penang, Mario is in Penang, he is in Penang ...


"I can't believe I haven't seen you for so long ... will you promise to visit?", I asked him, with a sheepish grin that I was glad he couldn't see through the phone.



"No ... why would I?", he said.


"Oh okay. Okay.", I squeaked again, feeling extremely foolish at this point.


"Hey, I'm joking, You're still as gullible as you always were! Of course I'll visit. I'll come to KL in July, okay?", he teased me.


... Which left a big smile on my face for the rest of the evening :)



*****

We were never romantically involved, but he was one of those guys that I could spend hours with and not run out of things to talk about ...

I was always somewhat shy, irritatingly squeaky and quiet around him, which led me to suspect, on many occasions, that I had developed feelings for him. It wasn't really hard to see why - he was very smart, successful and everything I wanted and wanted to be.


We were always very nice to each other :) I still remember all the little (and big) things he did for me. Along the way, I realized that we genuinely cared about each other - but not in the romantic sense.
It was special. :) One-of-a-kind. Or at least, that's what I thought.


He always believed in me and my dreams. I owe him SO MUCH for being my rock, my friend and most of all - my inspiration.


When he left ... a part of me felt like begging him to stay, though the bigger part of me told me not to make the stupidest mistake of my life.
Just like Mario ... just like me, he was a very free-spirited, freedom-craving soul who couldn't possibly be caged. Not yet, anyway.


I've missed him.


I'm glad that he still calls me every once in awhile ... it's always such a pleasant surprise.
I'm even more glad that he is going to visit me in July. :) :)

And I'm still trying to wipe this stupid smile off my face. ;)

Real Love =)

I just walked into my house, feeling sleep-deprived, tired, excited (from watching Transformers 2 yo!) ...

My dad was watching random videos on youtube, and I was exclaiming to him, "everyone is getting sick! whyyyyy..."
and we just randomly chatted a bit. :) There was no stern questioning of my whereabouts ... no serious talks about my curfew (or the lack thereof). :)


And even though I'm in a state of daze, being sleepy until the point of feeling like my body is functioning on an auto-pilot mode ... I just knew I had to come online to write this post.


Despite our fights and sarcastic banters ... I love my dad so much, till the point that it feels that my love for him is beyond understanding and comprehension.



And it struck me today that I am who I am because of him. I may not be perfect ... but in all my imperfections, wildness and tendencies to fuck up,
I am not needy.
I'm independent and self-assured.
I never needed a man in my life to solidify my existence.


I REALLY don't mean to stereotype ... and I know that it isn't true for every case ... but as I witness the people around me, I realized that the men who are players, and the girls who are desperate / clingy / serial-daters ... more often than not, come from families with problems.
I don't mean it has to be something major like divorce, or child abuse and whatnot ... it's just, well, harsher circumstances, I suppose.



Because of my father's loyal, undying love to me ... his understanding of my free-spirited soul and above all that: his acceptance of who I am - I've been VERY lucky to not have much baggage to carry around. :)


No matter how much my heart aches when I lose a man I love ... I will always recover in time. :) Longer than most people, I guess ...
but if there is one thing I've learned from my dad's love from me over the years - it's loyalty. I don't fall in love easily ... but when I do, it's a love that lingers around.

For my dad, I know that losing me would destroy him ... and he'd probably never recover from that. :/
It's the same for me.


In all my big talks about dating only men who are worldly, wise and good-looking ...
In truth, I am still searching for someone who could grow to love me the way my dad loves me.
The way he accepts who I am ... till the way he understands my need for freedom :) yet, his trust of me remains unwavering.


How could I settle for anything less than that? And oh believe me ... those are the things that are the hardest to find.
It isn't easy for someone to completely understand me ... and it is VERY hard for man to truly accept my need for freedom and comprehend the daredevil, devil-may-care way I choose to live my life.


I just ... hope he knows that I may not say it much,
but I love him.
Maybe not in the best way anyone could love her father ... but in the best way that I know how.

Overrated

I can think of so many reasons why I loved him.


It was in the way his eyes brightened up whenever I entered a room ... it was how our bodies tingled whenever our skins touched. It was in our laughter, our endless chatter long into the night, our penchant for McDs and curling up in front of the TV with a tub of ice cream.
It was in our fights - we were both very egoistic and stubborn ... yet, the warm cuddles and kisses after that always made up for it.



What we had felt like magic. Something that only came once in a lifetime ...
our relationship was like electricity to me - everytime I tentatively reached out for more, it'd strike me violently, and suddenly.
Yet, I always wanted more.



Our love was like a drug to me. He was my walking aphrodisiac; my cocaine, my green fairy. He was so vibrant, so intelligent and sexy ...



And yet, a few months down the road,
I no longer feel a single ounce of emotion for this man. In fact, he makes me feel uneasy ... I no longer melt at the sound of his voice, nor do I find his carefree and child-like antics lovable anymore.


I guess everything does change.
Either that, or I've hopelessly overestimated what we had ... perhaps it was just one of those things that will always remain to be one word: overrated.

RIP

... "Fifi died. She threw up this morning and then ... well.", my mum told me, the minute I stepped into my house.


Frankly,
I don't remember what I felt when she said it.
Shock, most probably ... I dropped my camera bag and immediately slumped on the couch.


I think I sat there for ten minutes. Unmoving, unthinking ... Just wide-eyed.


God ... I cant even describe how I feel right now.
I haven't cried this badly in awhile ... and I don't think it's even called crying.
My shoulders are shaking and I'm just sobbing into my pillow as I type this ... I want to scream but logic does not permit me to do so.


I wanted to bring her to the park. I wanted to photograph her ....
She was the one thing in my life that was a constant ...
when I was alone, she'd come to me.


Whenever I'm upset, she'd run up to me ....


and now ... just like that, she's gone. Forever.


Omg Fifi, I'm not ready for you to leave me ...
I really am not.


I loved you so much. I really did.
There was so much .... so much ... that I should've done for you.

And I never did.

Now I won't have a chance to anymore.

It's been a long time coming, but I've finally changed the layout.


Don't think that it's a-w-e-s-o-m-e but I think that it'll do :)


It's just less than 1 hour's worth of random designing and tweaking ... what can I expect?
I removed my hits counter too. I don't think that I care anymore, who reads this blog or not. :)


I'll be back soon!